Emptiness and Confusion

Emptiness and Confusion

I look at the room
So empty but so full
Nothing left but memories
Surrounded by four walls and a ceiling
The pink and purple stand out to me
It reminds me of those years
The walls don’t signify only those three years
Not only those three years spent in that home
As I sit on the floor
I am reminded, in that room
Of all my years of life
All the years I have lived at home
Wherever that may have been
I remember all the memories I can
I remember all that is available to my mind
I look up and down and side to side
The room is so empty, yet full
Full of memories of living at home
Living at home was comforting
Living with those who comfort me
With those whom I comfort
I look around in the room
It’s still so empty, but so full
All of my belongings are gone
But my sense of self remains
My sense of self remains?
What is this complexity I speak of?
My sense of self is locked in this room
It is kept in this house and those before this house
My self concept and all that makes me, me
I remove myself from the floor and make my way to the door
Taking one final glance at the emptiness within
The emptiness that holds my sense of self
And leaves me with only a sense of confusion
Emptiness and confusion
What happens after this?
We move to a new house
A house away from mom and dad
And from the other two
The other siblings that, at times were trying
But would always remain my blood
They forever remain in my heart
No matter what house I live in
My home is forever with my family
A place of comfort and happiness
A place of joy and security
But I can’t help but to think of what the others are feeling
What does my family feel?
While I feel only confusion and despair
Are they content with the decision made?
Are they awaiting my departure with impatience?
I can’t help but to think
Do they want me gone?
Or do they not want me gone?
Do they anticipate the future and my absence?
Do they anticipate it to be joyful?
Tears flow and the room is overwhelmed
Hugs are shared and we are on our way
On our way out the door
The door we will soon return to
But under very different circumstances
Will we soon be knocking on the door?
The door that leads to the place we call home
Will we cease to instinctively walk into the house unannounced?
I have continued with this nonsensical rant
Writing about feelings and memories
But through this I have been enlightened
This has made me realize that I must deranged to think this
To think that my parents want me gone so badly
To think that my self-concept will eternally be lost
Lost within the four walls I called a bedroom
To think that my home will no longer be mine
That we will no longer belong with them
I know I belong with them
I know I belong in that home
I will forever have that sanctuary
I will forever be accepted and welcome there
I know that I am loved
I know that I will be greeted with open arms
If ever I need to return
If ever I need the guidance of my mother and father
I am no longer surrounded by emptiness and confusion
I have found that which ought to be lost
I have found my past
And in so doing
I have found myself