I feel as if I need to talk myself out of dying
just to live each day.
Some see the depression that overwhelms
my whole inner being;
while others merely notice the tears
running down my cheeks,
remaining ignorant to the painful emotions,
thoughts and memories used in the manufacturing
of the psychologically ill fluid flowing from my eyes
to the hellish ground that surrounds my drug immersed body.
When some people see me,
they witness only my vanity
and regard my disorder as undeniably selfish
and immensely unreasonable.
They think that by doing this to myself,
I am inadvertently trying to harm them.
I have taken this into consideration
when I think of how many people have distanced themselves
and neglected me
in the most unbearable situations
while leaving me to face the world alone,
confused, angry and depressed.
Just when I feel the need to reach out my hand,
I look around
and everyone has scattered in different directions
in a brilliant attempt to avoid the situation
and life circumstance that imprisons me.
I cant help but think them cowards
for repeatedly assuring their support
and then immediately hitting the floor
every time a round goes off.
But then I, again, rethink myself.
I stop and reflect.
Arent I the one attempting suicide?
Killing myself so slowly, but undoubtedly?
Arent I scattered all over the place,
trying to avoid the original problem
that has been subsequently replaced
by an entire cascade of additional problems.
I consider my life to resemble the Jenga game.
Yes, the freaking Jenga game.
Each turn I have, I lose a little more support,
until I come crashing down to my expected
and unsurprisingly youthful death
caused by an array of longevity decreasing activities
that I routinely engage in,
fully aware of their aversive effects.
It just seems so hard to discern between me
and that which controls me,
because I have seemingly lost control.
Pretty much everything else remains
but my righteous ability to dictate my own actions;
whether positive or negative,
My life is now in your hands.
Am I a coward?
That decision is now yours.
I render myself incapable.
I forfeit my turn and now ask you to step in.
Step in where no one else will.
Step in where I no longer can.
I am totally submissive and therefore leave me to you.
With your guidance I will either get worse,
deepening my inability, confusion and insanity;
or I will get better and unveil myself as a new being.
One I have known but have lost sight of.
A girl with dreams and goals and a purpose.
A girl who doesnt have to talk herself out of a drug overdose every morning.
Please step in where no one else will.
Step in where I no longer can