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July 15, 2009
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(Contains: strong language and ideologically sensitive material)


I feel as if I need to talk myself out of dying
just to live each day.
Some see the depression that overwhelms
my whole inner being;
while others merely notice the tears
running down my cheeks,
remaining ignorant to the painful emotions,
thoughts and memories used in the manufacturing
of the psychologically ill fluid flowing from my eyes
to the hellish ground that surrounds my drug immersed body.
When some people see me,
they witness only my vanity
and regard my disorder as undeniably selfish
and immensely unreasonable.
They think that by doing this to myself,
I am inadvertently trying to harm them.
I have taken this into consideration
when I think of how many people have distanced themselves
and neglected me
in the most unbearable situations
while leaving me to face the world alone,
confused, angry and depressed.
Just when I feel the need to reach out my hand,
I look around
and everyone has scattered in different directions
in a brilliant attempt to avoid the situation
and life circumstance that imprisons me.
I can’t help but think them cowards
for repeatedly assuring their support
and then immediately hitting the floor
every time a round goes off.
But then I, again, rethink myself.
I stop and reflect.
Aren’t I the one attempting suicide?
Killing myself so slowly, but undoubtedly?
Aren’t I scattered all over the place,
trying to avoid the original problem
that has been subsequently replaced
by an entire cascade of additional problems.
I consider my life to resemble the Jenga game.
Yes, the freaking Jenga game.
Each turn I have, I lose a little more support,
until I come crashing down to my expected
and unsurprisingly youthful death…
caused by an array of longevity decreasing activities
that I routinely engage in,
fully aware of their aversive effects.
It just seems so hard to discern between me
and that which controls me,
because I have seemingly lost control.
Pretty much everything else remains
but my righteous ability to dictate my own actions;
whether positive or negative,
self-fulfilling
or self-defeating.
My life is now in your hands.
Am I a coward?
That decision is now yours.
I render myself incapable.
I forfeit my turn and now ask you to step in.
Step in where no one else will.
Step in where I no longer can.
I am totally submissive and therefore leave me to you.
With your guidance I will either get worse,
deepening my inability, confusion and insanity;
or I will get better and unveil myself as a new being.
One I have known but have lost sight of.
A girl with dreams and goals and a purpose.
A girl who doesn’t have to talk herself out of a drug overdose every morning.
Please step in where no one else will.
Step in where I no longer can
STEP IN

Inspired by my best friend; who really just needs someone to step in...I've tried.
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:iconbluesilveruu:
BlueSilverUU Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2009
My hope and best wishes to you and your troubled friend. And also, a very well written poem indeed!
Reply
:iconartisticatedivy:
artisticatedivy Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2009  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you greatly! :) I appreciate it!
Reply
:iconim-not-good-at-names:
im-not-good-at-names Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2009  Student Writer
"I can’t help but think them cowards
for repeatedly assuring their support
and then immediately hitting the floor
every time a round goes off."
Love this, genius indeed.

"I am totally submissive and therefore leave me to you.
With your guidance I will either get worse,
deepening my inability, confusion and insanity;
or I will get better and unveil myself as a new being."
This is fantastic. I've only read this one poem of yours thus far but I look forward to reading more of your works.
Reply
:iconartisticatedivy:
artisticatedivy Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2009  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you greatly!!! :) I appreciate your kind words!
Reply
:iconim-not-good-at-names:
im-not-good-at-names Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2009  Student Writer
anytime :)
Reply
:icondaejien:
Daejien Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2009
This is some powerful poetry.
Reply
:iconartisticatedivy:
artisticatedivy Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2009  Hobbyist General Artist
thankyou!
Reply
:icondaejien:
Daejien Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2009
you're welcome.
Reply
:iconiiixii:
IIIXII Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2009
Wow, really powerful.
I mean depression does that to a person too.
Its really heart-breaking to watch.
This is especially heart-breaking. :(
But you wrote it so well.
Reply
:iconartisticatedivy:
artisticatedivy Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2009  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you greatly! :) I appreciate it.
And it IS hard to watch! :(
You often just wish you could do more, but it is usually the person that has to be willing to change themselves!
Anyways... thank! :hug:
Reply
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